Whether or not you have experienced infant loss I’m sure you can relate to the thoughts and feelings involved with any kind of trial. Things like worry, uncertainty, and sleepless nights are often felt and suck the energy right out of you leaving you tired. That’s what my pregnancy with Rena left me. Tired. Not just physically tired though. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. Situationally tired. After you come out on the other side of a trial you’re still left with a lot of rawness. With infant loss where a baby should you are left with feelings of grief and emptiness. And continued tiredness. How do you find rest after infant loss? It is possible to find rest, and with that healing. Keep reading my testimony so you can discover how to find rest after infant loss.
Have you ever watched a movie that had a plot with many twists and turns and with all of them building up to a hopeful crescendo only to have it come crashing down? As the characters lead up to the tipping point they give it their last heave ho, but they know the situation is mightier than they are and they fall into a heap? That’s what it was like for me leading up to Rena’s birth.
With all of the ups and downs, celebrations and setbacks, I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s not that I wanted to be done being pregnant, I just knew it was all out of my hands and only God could make something happen. When I finally admitted to him that I couldn’t take it anymore and found peace with my situation I was still hoping that I could have a full term pregnancy with a healthy baby. Shortly after that she was born and I fell into a heap. I felt like I was one of those characters, perhaps who had survived a shipwreck and pulled themselves up to shore. Utterly exhausted, but thankful to be alive and be done with treading water, gasping for breath, and swimming endlessly. Relief. That was me.
When you lose a baby you can find yourself doing odd things. What may have been not an issue before now becomes one. For me it was our bedroom. I hated room after Rena. Maybe it triggered bad memories of the sleepless nights and being on bed rest. I needed a change.
Our mattress had become tired and was making us tired. Sleep was less than ideal due to the saggy platform and backaches. After everything we went through I just wanted to come home and be comfortable when I went to bed. It was due to be replaced. The decor was also getting faded and drab. I just wanted to look at something pretty when I made our bed. Time to purchase a new mattress and freshen up the room with a new splash of color. After sleeping on the new bed it was amazing to feel how much easier it was to rest because we had the right type of support.
After getting our new mattress it made me think of how we walk with Jesus is very much like getting a restful night sleep or not. When we strive to do things by our own means we often get fatigued because it’s so much work. When we rest in Jesus the path is not so tiring. “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light,” Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:29-30. He is like our brand new mattress, through Him we can get the proper night’s sleep in our life because He is our right type of support.
Resting in Jesus After Infant Loss
Resting in Jesus. What does that mean? It means putting an end to the struggling, wondering, questioning, striving, working and making things more complicated than it needs to be. It means simply to look upon Jesus and rest in all of His works. I came across this blog post, Jesus Is The Answer, by Nerida Walker, and thought it beautifully captured the the gospel, our faith and resting in Jesus. This focuses on fertility struggles, but you can insert any struggle and it will still be relatable. Please take time to read this blog post and I believe it can greatly help you in your healing process. It sure helped me. I hope it is a blessing to you and helps you find your rest.